i thought i was madly in love with you;
i was mad for thinking i loved you.
In the end, we never really understood each other.
Still, thank you for putting up with me.
are you awake, in this hour of blue?
do i love you, or the thought of you?
Rise and shine.
It’s 6AM and my alarm clock rings.
Every sinew in my body cries out, ‘mou ichidou.’
‘Just one more time. Snooze it. Hit the button. Why hesitate? It’s still way early. You can wake up a little later. It’s a Goddamn Saturday for Christ’s sake.’ Oh… that was rather inappropriate for Easter weekend.
But I shouted, ‘DAME DAYO!’ I can’t do that!
For reasons unknown, my sinews cried out in Japanese. Ah, they must have been subliminally influenced; I’ve been watching too much anime recently. Snap out of it, time to get up.
I jumped out of bed.
‘GOMENASAI FOR ALL MY PROCASTINATING!’
Yesterday I said, ‘tomorrow’.
Today is the day.
Enough procrastinating, today I will be productive. I will be completely focused. Let’s get the trivial bits out of the way so I can get to work, and concentrate.
Washed my face.
Brushed my teeth.
Read my daily news.
‘Alright, time to get plugged in.’
I open up my iTunes, loaded up my favourite playlist for work (hurdur, work-playlist), and hit the play button.
The first tune kicks in and I can feel it already – a great day of productivity lies ahead. I can do this uninterrupted for a few hours. The adrenaline begins to flow through my veins, coursing to each and every inch of my body… except the few magnificent inches which would feel rather weird for this sort of occasion. I close my eyes, and I see it before me – 8000 words completed way before the due date. Not a dream, but a reality. Yes, I can do it. It’s not that intimidating after all. All you need to do is get plugged in. Complete, uninterrupted focus.
When you have that, ‘impossible’ is but a word, and ‘impossibility’, another word.
‘…. As long as you love me,’
Backstreet Boys plays in the background. I feel even more pumped now. I can do this. I open my eyes and start up Microsoft Word, eager to begin. I place my hands on the keyboard. Took in a long, deep breath and set my eyes on the screen, so fixated that no force of nature will peel me away from it until I have some work to show for my labour. I feel ready. No. I AM ready.
‘Finally, shit will be done,’ I thought to myself.
And then it hit me.
…. I need to go to the toilet.
what am i doing with my life?
whispering to myself all these lies,
justifying all my withheld tithes.
see not this pandemic that runs rife?
just another confused youth
time after time, ‘i don’t have time’.
forced into a rush, all i do is whine.
rebuffing concerns, i declare ‘i’m fine’.
i had no right, the fault was mine.
just another incorrigible sloth.
dancing through calamity in pure bliss,
completely oblivious to the serpent’s hiss.
perhaps it’s time i come to confess:
wholly foolish; and wholly careless.
just another play-pretend sleuth.
yet logic reasons to me,
and the path is plain to see.
giddily, i shudder with mirth;
this pained comedy of the mind’s labyrinth,
its vain portrayal of a polymath.
maybe just maybe.
i’m just another sociopath.