needless vigil

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What am I doing?

Something is fundamentally wrong about me: some part of me hates, is afraid even, of sleep, and yet when I am awakened by something, I find myself so sluggish, so eager to surrender to its embrace.

So here I am, slapping my fingertips on the keyboard to type a blog at 4:39AM. I am awake for no good reason, really. Yet, a part of me loathes to sleep. I’d open up a dozen tabs or two on my Chrome, reading anything and everything that comes to mind. The end result? I have no mornings. For the best part of the past half a year, I have woken up past noon, and all my plans to breathe the morning air has, so far, gone up in smoke.

But wait! Reading is good! Reading is educational! It’s not too bad, right!?
Yes, but there is also more to read in this world than we have time in this life. What is it you are reading anyway? ’10 things people do while taking Instagram photos’? Ah, I’m sure that would be most educational and beneficial!

I once said to some friends, ‘sleep is a waste of time; a lot of people probably wouldn’t do it if it weren’t a necessity.’ Yet now I find myself fallen into that very trap that I thought would never snare me- the endless snooze when an alarm calls, and as a direct consequence, the mindset that tells me ‘some things can wait’ or that ‘it’s okay to be a little late’.

So what good is it if I draw up plans or plan out goals, no matter how intricate or encompassing, but let a dynamite called ‘sleep’ be planted in me, one that threatens to blow up all semblance of structure out of my life, all because I am a ‘thief of time’ (which was inspired by similar sentiments a year back).

I do not think self-awareness is something I lack, yet I find myself falling over and over again for the same trick. There are always days where I tell myself, ‘alright, tonight, I sleep early!’ but wind up doing something else til late anyway because something came up or someone wanted to talk or… something. There was always something. Perhaps in the end, like many other things in life, it all comes down to having enough discipline to stick to the plan.

Innocuous omissions and subconscious inaction are often just as much a choice as loud declarations and bold action. Enough of bad choices. Be conscious in choice; allocate to each task an appropriate amount of time; choose to sleep, at the right time, for the right time.

Sixty seconds a minute, sixty minutes an hour, twenty-four hours a day and three hundred and sixty five days a year; that is how time progresses for everyone.

You cannot go faster, you cannot go slower, you certainly cannot not go.

You cannot steal time.

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